


Experimental

by Noe_ARK



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Hange is a good friend, M/M, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Sexual Experimentation, Sexuality Crisis, Smut, Touch-Starved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-29
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-26 05:47:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18277019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noe_ARK/pseuds/Noe_ARK
Summary: “So,” Erwin sat down next to Levi.“So?”This silence was definitely worse than not speaking at all, especially, when he knew that whatever Erwin was going to say next, this wouldn’t end well.“Where do you want to do this?”***Levi agrees to sleep with a sexually confused Erwin. He knows it won't go well.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is the answer to what happens when I'm insomniac. 
> 
> It's also the first time I'm writing anything M/M related, so I've tried to tone it down on the sex scene(s). 
> 
> Also, any critique is warmly welcomed as I'm not a native English speaker and still trying to learn. 
> 
> Thank you for reading<3

Levi wondered what exactly had made him agree to be Erwin Smith’s sexual experiment. He tried to blame it on Hange, who had continued to tell him he should, ‘just go for it’ one night over drinks. Unfortunately, Levi wasn’t nearly intoxicated enough then to use it as a reasonable excuse.  
Nana and Mike were dancing while Moblit fetched new drinks, when Hange leaned over, greasy hair sticking out of the messy ponytail - good that they were at the approximate only location where oily hair and sweaty bodies were not socially inacceptable. Even Nana’s hair looked wet, from Levi’s position in their booth, as she rubbed her body to Mike’s in the crowd. The repetitive beat of the music echoed in his ears as Hange crawled halfway across their table to yell at him. The scent of their body far too severe for the fact that they were the only one in the group who had not ventured onto the dance floor yet – despite Moblit’s allusions.

“So what?” Hange just couldn’t let it go.  
Levi regretted telling them at all. 

“You’re telling me you would agree?” He raised his eyebrows at them.

“To have sex with Erwin?” 

They had lost Erwin about ten minutes before as he had made his way through the crowd to the petite brunette at the bar, who had been glancing over ever since they’d arrived. Levi looked over to the bar, his eyes identifying the broad backside of the blond man within seconds, spotting him like a moth focused on the light in a dark room. Fair enough, he was still speaking to the brunette, her eyes glimmering up at the taller man.  
Levi knew from the way their groups nights out usually went that either one of them would get a text within the next fifteen minutes that Erwin had left with her, or he’d come back with a new number in his phone, the normally well-combed hair ruffled and a touch of someone else’s scent all over himself – just enough so that even those who didn’t have a nose like Mike could detect it.

“In any other circumstances?” Hange ripped Levi out of his thoughts. “No, definitely not. But Erwin’s also not really my type, and he didn’t ask me. So, if I were you and this admittedly very attractive, good friend of mine had asked me if I were interested to sleep with him so that he could gain a sense of understanding over his sexuality? Yeah, I think I’d say yes. If not just for the sake of helping someone you care for, then do it because he’s hot.”

Levi didn’t respond, but glanced down to the remaining bit of alcohol that he swirled around in his glass. Hange, ever so persistent, caught the change in his demeanor immediately, tilting their head to the side, a cocky grin on their lips. 

“Unless there is something else you don’t want to risk? Another thing that keeps you back?”  
Their voice dipped lower, quieter.

“Erwin is pretty straightforward about things in general, and we both know that he’s not the kind of person who would propose something of that caliber without having it thought through properly beforehand. He’s sure about this.”  
Hange leaned back in their seat.

“I’m just saying. If you’re really just friends, it shouldn’t be a problem.”

Levi downed the rest of his drink, setting the glass back on the table with a light thud. Hange was way too good at this. The grin on their face broadened when Levi looked up at them. They knew exactly what they were doing.

“And to be frank, you’ve slept with far worse people.”

 

*

 

They hadn’t even started yet. Nothing was set, he could still simply say, ‘No, sorry’ and leave the apartment again. Leave before it would get too messy.  
The friendship’s ruined anyways, Levi told himself as he sat down on the far-left end of Erwin’s couch. It felt more comfortable here, closer to the door, further away from the spot Levi knew Erwin would take once he came back out of the kitchen. The living room itself looked like it always did, maybe a little bit neater than on the average day, but aside from the cleanliness that screamed just a bit of trying too hard, everything was normal. Levi could smell the acrid scent of the sanitizer in the air that he had gotten Erwin a year ago, when he’d first rented the place.  
He could not remember ever having smelt that odor in Erwin’s apartment before.  
The couch cushions were arranged thoughtfully, the blankets folded nicely and the table in front of Levi’s knees wiped clean, free from any old coffee stains.

Erwin must’ve panicked.  
Levi liked the thought.

He heard the other man rummaging around in the kitchen, not saying a word. On usual days he would’ve talked about work, rushing through the boring stuff, dragging out pauses when telling funny anecdotes. Not today though.  
Glancing everywhere but the open kitchen area where Erwin’s broad figure leaned over the small tea maker, Levi noticed how the light was slightly dimmed – probably by accident, maybe out of convenience.  
Tea doesn’t take this long.  
After another ridiculous two minutes, Erwin stepped out of the kitchen and handed Levi one of the steaming mugs, avoiding any eye contact.  
‘If he had changed his mind, he could just say so?’  
Levi sure as hell wouldn’t be mad about it.

“So,” Erwin sat down next to Levi.

“So?”

This silence was definitely worse than not speaking at all, especially, when he knew that whatever Erwin was going to say next, this wouldn’t end well.

“Where do you want to do this?” 

 

*

 

“Come on, it’s not like you’re a virgin.”  
Levi couldn’t believe he was having this conversation.

“No, but – I mean…I’ve never…not like that.”  
Erwin sounded desperate, his voice wavering and there was a haunted look in his eyes, as if he wasn’t so sure Levi wouldn’t just jump out of his skin and slice Erwin’s throat. Right then, the idea didn’t sound so ridiculous to Levi. 

“So, you’d rather have a meltdown in front of me -”

“Only because I know you would never judge me.”

“You forget -” Levi took a breath to steady himself, “- Erwin. If we fuck this up -”

“- and if we don’t? What if it goes well?”

Yeah well, it’s not like Levi could just say that he was more scared of that. Knowing what it could be like, knowing just how good – he’d never be able to go back, and Erwin?  
Maybe it should just go badly. Maybe Erwin wouldn’t like it either way. 

 

*

 

The bedroom wasn’t as clean as the living room. While the bed was made, there were a lot of wrinkles in the sheets and the duvet that looked exactly like they did on any other day. Back in the barracks Erwin would have had to run extra laps for that kind of untidiness. Books and forms were stacked on the nightstand, a small layer of dust covering them and there were some unfolded jackets and pullovers piled on the armchair next to his dresser.  
Erwin closed the door behind them.

No kissing, no undressing one another, but more awkward silence.

Fantastic.

And Levi couldn’t even blame anyone else for it. He didn’t know what he’d been thinking. How had he thought this was going to go? Maybe he should have let Erwin kiss him, just to ease the tension? He couldn’t start doing it now, the air was already loaded enough with uncertainty. It would freak Erwin out, he’d freak himself out and if he liked it – which he was sure of - the entire thing would inflame and turn into a burning mess quicker than he already anticipated. Erwin lifted his shirt, flexing the muscles in his torso when he pulled the fabric over his head, and Levi realized that he’d never seen anything more interesting than the crisscross pattern that was stitched on the duvet.

This was going great.

Levi couldn’t even endure as much as one look at Erwin’s body from a respectable distance without wanting to scream - and for this to go even halfway as planned, he’d have to get a lot closer. Worse than that, Erwin seemed to be blissfully unaware, shedding his socks and jeans off while the subject of his little sexual experiment continued to inspect the bedding. Those sheets were either going to have the night of their lives, resulting in their discarding the next morning, or they’d turn into the witness of the slaughtering of Erwin Smith’s and Levi Ackerman’s friendship as well as their respective pride. While Levi busied himself thinking about all the ways he could end up ruining those sheets, Erwin had stripped down to his briefs, and was just looking over at the smaller man, who was still fully clothed.

“Levi?”

Did his goddamn voice have to be that soft? Levi would have preferred it, if they had stayed in the awkward-zone. Erwin didn’t look half as nervous as he had when they were sitting on the couch just minutes ago, contemplating whether or not they should go into the bedroom right away. Figures, Levi thought, that this ass had to be more confident when almost all of his body was on open display.  
His broad chest, the ripped abs and defined legs. The trail of fine blond hairs down from his navel into the elastic band of the briefs that matched those on his arms and legs. The protruding veins on his forearm and the calloused hands with the long fingers. He had seen it all before, in the changing rooms just outside the barracks, when they had stripped off their sweaty clothes in the evenings after a long day in the desert and now whenever they went to swim together.  
Levi had kind of hoped that Erwin would be insecure about the whole thing. That once they’d reach the ‘almost naked’ point, he’d start to get shaky, would fumble around and not know how to initiate anything.  
This was not what Levi had agreed to do. He’d thought they were going to undress at the same time, not having to awkwardly stand around watching each other, he didn’t think he was going to be the one getting anxious.

This was just sex.  
Levi did this. A lot.

He knew what to do, knew what he liked, knew how to make others like it, and now? He couldn’t move a fucking inch, mesmerized by the way Erwin just looked at him, all kindness and patience pouring out of his eyes. Levi wanted to punch him, or himself, or run.  
Running was probably going to be it, he decided once Erwin stepped forward close enough so that Levi could feel the warmth of his body, smell the fair scent of his skin and – oh, this feels nice – yes, running it would be.

“Levi.” The soft tone in Erwin’s voice did it, he just had to look up.

“We don’t have to do this, if you’re – if you changed your mind.”

‘If I’m nervous’, Levi thought.  
‘Why would I be nervous? You aren’t?’

“I didn’t change my mind. Did you?”

Erwin looked down, tracing Levi’s jawline with his eyes.

“No.”

Levi hadn’t wanted it, not like this, but he let Erwin slide his hands under his shirt anyways, warm, gentle fingertips moving up over his torso, burning marks into Levi’s skin. He let Erwin throw the shirt onto the floor somewhere in the room, usually Levi would have folded it. He let Erwin draw his fingertips over his chest while Levi waited for a flicker of realization or anything to cross over the other man’s features that would show he understood that he was about to fuck another man. He waited for Erwin to draw back, looking half appalled, half apologetic. He waited when Erwin moved his fingers down over Levi’s abs and started to trace the lines of his hipbones. He waited when Erwin palmed Levi’s already far too hard dick through the front of his jeans. Waited when all Erwin did was look up into his eyes again and took a small step closer.  
He stopped waiting then.

When Levi had imagined how this was going to go, it went down to a definitive picture. He’d have the nervous Erwin sit on the bed, his back leaned on the headboard, hopefully with a semi-hard dick. He’d crawl onto Erwin’s lap, let him look at Levi, maybe rub their dicks together, if it didn’t creep him out while Levi would open himself up. He would, probably, ride Erwin and maybe – maybe – suck his dick beforehand, even though he rarely liked to do that. Erwin would come, if Levi did it right, he knew Erwin would, and maybe Levi would too.  
His delusional self had believed it would be better if he didn’t come. That it could save him from getting utterly destroyed on an emotional basis, and he could get out of there with his heart still somewhat intact. 

He hadn’t, however, planned for Erwin to suck his dick. He hadn’t wanted to lie down on his back, hadn’t wanted Erwin to crawl over him and lick over Levi’s body like he’d done that a fucking thousand times before. For a second, Levi guessed – when his mind was still working – that this was the part that was close enough to what Erwin would have done with a woman, that this was the same, and then he’d started sucking Levi’s dick, and all the thoughts crashed down.  
Erwin had lied. He must have.  
There was no fucking way in hell he wouldn’t hesitate on his first try, no way he wouldn’t be doubtful of doing this, no fucking way that he would be that good without any practice. Levi had to practically drag Erwin off by his hair or he would have come within seconds of the other man going down on him - and that was so not the plan, it was anything but. The only thing that went remotely close to his imagination was Levi opening himself up. He didn’t let Erwin – couldn’t, not after everything. But Erwin watched. The entire time. His hands gently rubbed over Levi’s thighs, making him shiver while he stretched himself open on three of his fingers, and Levi hated how raw he must’ve looked. How vulnerable. Hated how the desire that was written all over Erwin’s face, his dilated pupils, his slightly open mouth, the blush that traced down over his pectorals, made Levi feel. He hated everything. He hated himself. Hated how his body convulsed when Erwin touched Levi’s dick again, started to rub him off. How he moaned at the sight of Erwin rolling the condom over his dick. How he let Erwin carefully roll him onto his side, how he let Erwin hold him when he entered the smaller man from behind.

How Erwin felt.

How Levi wanted him.

This wasn’t a quick fuck. Erwin was slow, and careful, angling his hips so that he found Levi’s prostate, making him whimper.  
Levi Ackerman did not fucking whimper. Not for anyone.

“So pretty.” Erwin’s voice slurred, and Levi just wanted to wrap the sheets around his head until they would suffocate him. 

“So beautiful. God, Levi. I can’t even -” Erwin thrusted quicker, hitting that spot over and over again and Levi could do nothing but cave in. Every bit of restraint crumbling down, he turned his face fully into the pillow, hoping Erwin wouldn’t see. 

Erwin’s strong arm circled around Levi’s waist, holding onto his chest so tenderly, Levi could feel his breath on the back of his neck, huffed out in strangled moans and he just wanted to pull him off, leave the embrace before it could crush him and flee. Erwin slipped his legs in between Levi’s, angling his hips before pushing into Levi even deeper with a low moan.  
Levi clenched his fingers into Erwin’s arm. Holding on with as much strength as he could muster, trying to keep Erwin as close as possible.  
Who was he kidding? He was already ruined.

Leave. Run. Now.

Stay. Let him. Don’t stop.

He could hear himself whisper Erwin’s name in a mixture of yelps and moans, over and over again into the pillow.  
Broad fingers moved up over his throat, felt out his pulse point, gently dug themselves into the short hair on the back of Levi’s head, holding onto him with so much softness Levi didn’t know whether or not he should cry or punch the other man away.  
Erwin caressed his neck, his chest, held him when Levi finally came, shuddering and digging his nails into Erwin’s arm while he cried into the pillow. Erwin just held him, didn’t slow down, but traced his other hand gently through the wet strands of Levi’s hair, pressing a kiss to the back of his neck. He came only moments later, face still buried between Levi’s shoulder and neck, panting against his skin and thrusting hard. His arm was still tightly wrapped around Levi’s chest.

 

*

 

“Okay, ground rules”, because Levi had needed them. It was the evening before, and Levi knew if he didn’t do it now, he probably wouldn’t say it at all.

“No kissing, I don’t care if you think you need it, I’m not gonna do it. No is no, I know you wouldn’t do anything I don’t want, but still, just so I’ve said it. This is quit pro quo though. I respect your boundaries, you respect mine and we’re both fine.”

“Nice rhyme -” Erwin interrupted, his grin swallowed down after he caught Levi’s expression.

“I don’t cuddle, not while not after, so I’ll most likely just get up and leave. Don’t act surprised or hurt or any of that shit when I leave. And if you hate it, if you freak out halfway through, don’t blame it on me.”

Erwin’s eyes remained focused, his expression open but neutral. Like it didn’t faze him at all.

“Okay. I promise I won’t cross any of your lines.”

Levi nodded. “Do you have anything you don’t want me to do?”

Erwin looked to the side, thick brows creasing together.  
“No. At least I don’t think so. I haven’t done this with another man before so I don’t really know if there’ll be anything, maybe I’ll notice something I don’t like once we start?”

“Fine. Just say it. If anything comes up.”

Erwin nodded.

 

*

 

Levi was still curled away from Erwin, who must have rolled onto his back since the warmth of his body was gone. The heat hadn’t vanished from Levi’s skin though, but had spread out, making the air feel heavy around them.  
From the way the other man breathed, Levi knew that there was a smile on his face. It was the same way of breathing he usually heard after they had a hard training session.  
Erwin was quietly laughing on the other side of the bed while Levi felt like his entire upper body had just been smashed together by a massive hand, the crushed ribs rupturing his lungs, impaling his heart.  
So that’s what it feels like.  
Levi clenched his teeth together when he felt the wetness starting to creep down his cheek. This was not what it was supposed to be like. They were friends. He’d done this for a friend and that was it. Erwin did not feel this way. Erwin did not want him like this. He never would.  
It was just a favor between friends. Levi had helped him. Helped his friend find out if he did enjoy sleeping with other men.

“That was – “, Erwin laughed out, making the bed shift underneath his weight.

“I didn’t even know – “, his voice still hoarse, strained from all the noises he’d made. Levi sat up, careful not to let Erwin see the tremble that went from his shoulders down to his hands.

“God.”

Levi had to say something, now. Otherwise Erwin would ask what was wrong. He would immediately know and Levi would be doomed. But despite all the effort he’d invested to train a nonchalant expression onto his face over the years of being confined in unfamiliar ‘homes’, with people he didn’t like, who would have ripped him to shreds once he’d show any emotion, he knew one look at Erwin at that moment and any façade would crumble away.  
Levi couldn’t look.  
So, he just made sure to keep his face hidden when he got off the bed and started putting his clothes back on. Erwin was still laughing softly.  
Once he slipped into his shoes, his hands had almost stopped trembling.  
The one time Levi did glance over at Erwin with a trained cold expression on his face, which Levi was fairly proud of, he saw Erwin laid back on his bed, arms spread out, cheeks, neck and chest colored in a light blush, a glaze shimmering in his eyes. It burned itself into Levi’s memory.  
‘Great, that’ll never go away again.’  
Levi turned back around, pissed at himself for wanting to see.  
“I’m gonna go.” He managed to say, as if it wasn’t obvious, at the bedroom door, the doorknob cold in hand, and his back turned to Erwin.  
The bedsheets ruffled, and for a second – just a second - Levi thought Erwin would get up, step up close to him, let him feel the warmth of his body again, maybe hold him like he’d done only minutes ago, maybe kiss him –  
“Alright.” The bed shifted again, but there was no sound of feet hitting the floor.  
Levi would deny it later, but his heart plummeted.

“We’re fine though, right?” Erwin sounded calmer now, but there was the slightest weave in his voice that told Levi that maybe he wasn’t so sure either.

“Yeah.”

 

*

 

It was two weeks later that Levi watched a small guy rub himself at Erwin in the middle of the dance floor. Two weeks later that Levi watched how Erwin pulled him in one of the darker corners of the room. Two weeks later that he had to avert his eyes once Erwin let his hands slide through the man’s dark locks. That he knew, rather than saw, when they left together.  
What he saw though was the way Hange glanced at him all throughout the night.

 

*

 

The evening that Erwin had his first date with some guy he had met during one of their nights out, Levi went out, found himself some broad-shouldered, tall guy whose face he erased from his memory immediately after, pulled him into one of the restroom stalls of the bar in hopes of making himself forget everything else.  
He’d left the bar about twenty minutes later, threw the napkin with the phone number into the next garbage bin, and walked over to the subway station, aching in more than just one place.

 

*

 

Another few of their group’s nights out, browsing through various of their favorite bars, Levi pointedly ignored Erwin whenever he left their table.  
He also ignored the simultaneous stare of Hange.  
Once this seemed to turn into the state of default, Levi found himself at his doctor’s office, doing over hours, or being sick the next couple of weekends. Evading any worried or persistent calls of his friends. His apartment needed a deep cleaning either way, and once he’d went through all the rooms, he rearranged the kitchen, living room, and his bookshelves.  
Becoming more and more creative with the various excuses for the first worried, later slightly annoyed sounding texts from his friends. He was ditching them on the nights out and stopped caring how blatantly obvious he tried to avoid having to watch Erwin with any other man. He knew they all knew. He didn’t care. The only important thing was that Erwin did not know. And judging from the way he behaved, the sort of texts Levi received, informing him how unfamiliar certain things were, how good others felt, asking for advice, Erwin could not have known.  
If he did, he would be nothing but cruel. And that was not him.  
One particular night Erwin somehow thought it was fine to give Levi a full-on description of what he had just done with this one small guy, lacking any shame or embarrassment over the blatant way he was speaking of his experiences while being completely oblivious to the way Levi’s responses got shorter by the minute, before he stopped replying at all.  
Worst of all, when Levi spent his evenings curled in on himself on the couch, the tv show nothing but background noise to the way his imagination forced him to picture what exactly was most likely happening a few blocks further south in Erwin’s bedroom, on those same – hopefully washed – sheets and the pillow he was pretty sure he had torn when he had bit into it, he couldn’t even blame Erwin. He couldn’t blame anyone but himself for the way he felt. Being dead inside would be better, more merciful. Kinder to the heart, Levi thought.  
Like most of his nights, once he lied in his bed, he pretended that he couldn’t feel the wetness on his cheeks.


	2. Chapter 2

“Okay, so I might have misjudged.”

Hange hurried into Levi’s small apartment, speaking even before they’d been halfway through the door. Levi only stepped aside, the spoon with which he had shoved strawberry ice-cream into his mouth until he had buzzed his friend in still in his mouth.  
Hange threw their bag onto Levi’s couch and turned around quickly, their hands driving through their hair.

“I didn’t think you would keep this whole charade up after sleeping with each other. I’ve known for a while now – you know, with the way you look at him. To be frank, in the beginning I thought you were just pretending, messing with us, because of how invasive we always are when it comes to your relationships, but then I noticed – you know, you get this soft expression whenever you look at him.” 

Hange hurried through the words, swallowing half of the syllables, creating an unintelligible mess of half-finished sentences.  
Levi only stepped around them, taking their bag off the couch and putting it on the small, wooden table next to the container of ice-cream. 

“Slow down. I can’t understand a word of what you’re saying.” He interrupted them.

Hange took a deep breath.

“When I advised you to accept Erwin’s offer -”

They paused again, searching Levi’s face for some sort of reaction.

“Right?”

“- I thought it would finally make you admit your feelings for him.”

Their voice dropped, face filled with pity. Levi did not understand.

“I know that that’s what you thought. I know you knew about my feelings.”

Hange just stared back at him.

“Come on, you’re the smart one, if I had wanted to hide it from you and the others, you would’ve never noticed.”

“But -? I thought you were unaware of your feelings?”

Levi sat down on the couch, twisting the spoon in his hands.

“I’ve always felt like that about him. When we met, back when we were recruited, I – you know this, right? I thought I hated him.”

Hange took a seat in the armchair, sagging together like a wet bag of flour.

“Yeah, I remember how you talked about him the first couple of months.”

“It took me a while to figure out that I didn’t just dislike him. That there was admiration, and respect, and after a while even care mixed into my feelings for him. I started to love him as a friend, but there was always something deeper. I’ve always been attracted to him.”

When he looked up to them, they were still gaping at Levi. He concentrated on the spoon again, feeling the cool silver between his fingers.

“Once I came back from my last mission, I knew for sure.” 

Hange took in a deep breath opposite him. 

“Levi, that was almost three years ago.” 

Their voice sounded so careful that Levi had to look up at them again. Their facial expression fitted perfectly to the tone of their voice, unusually quiet and collected for the over-eccentric scientist.

“So?”

Hange shook their head in the smallest motion while rubbing their fingertips over the crease in their glabella. 

“You want to tell me that you’ve been in love with him for that long? And that you have been sure about it for over three years? Damn, Levi. I thought you were just unaware like him.”

He squinted. Mouth pulled into a firm line.

“Erwin’s not unaware of anything. He doesn’t see me like that. He never has.”

“You can’t possibly mean that.”

He just raised his eyebrows at them, not wanting to grant an answer. 

They groaned. 

“Anyway, you don’t have to feel bad about it. You didn’t convince me to accept. I should have known better. That this wouldn’t end well for me, I guess I -” Levi stopped and shifted in his seat.  
Hange seemed to understand, at least they didn’t continue poking around in the topic, just nodding once. 

They ended up next to each other on the couch, watching an, at best, mediocre thriller while sharing the remainder of the ice-cream in comfortable silence. 

Around two hours later, Hange turned around in the threshold of the front door, looking straight at Levi with a firm expression. 

“Just one more thing. If you knew already – and I know that this is a stupid question – but if you knew you love him, and you’re so sure Erwin has never felt the same way about you, then why did you accept? I know now it wasn’t because of what I said.”

Levi glanced to the floor.  
The parquet had to be resurfaced.

“No. It wasn’t because of you.” Levi didn’t say anything else.  
This was all Hange needed to know, and from the way they looked at Levi then, he knew they understood.

‘I thought it would change things.’

Levi let himself get pulled into a hug, getting a full dose of Hange’s charming scent.  
He was fine that night. 

 

*

 

“Levi?”

He should have ignored the call. Should have pushed the red button, should have declined as soon as he saw Erwin’s name pop up on his screen and slip the phone back into his jacket. 

Now, he had to listen to Erwin’s soft, gentle, worried voice. Had to feel it pulling his insides apart.

“Are you alright?”

Despite himself, he wanted to tell Erwin that he missed him, tell him how he hadn’t stopped thinking about him since that night, or really since the first time they’d met. He wanted Erwin to be there, to hold him, to be embraced in his arms. 

To feel him close again.

“Yeah, ‘course I am. Just busy.”

On the other end of the line, there was a deep exhale. 

“Listen, I know that night was – I shouldn’t say this over the phone.” He paused, struggling to find the right words, maybe just some words.  
“It was weird. Probably. I mean, I get that. I had hoped it would all be normal -” Erwin started to stutter around, taking a breath to focus, “- Levi, I just want you to know that it didn’t change anything for me. I still see you the exact same way, nothing has changed.  
You’re my friend, and I miss you.”

Erwin was right, as always. Nothing had changed for him. Levi didn’t even need a full second to know the truth in his words. Erwin couldn’t know.

“I know it didn’t. Really, everything is fine.”

He heard Erwin take another deep breath over the line. Levi knew he hadn’t bought the lie.

“I gotta go.”

He ignored the calls the next couple of days. On Friday evening, he got his uncle Kenny to meet up with him.  
Levi hadn’t seen him in almost two years. 

 

*

 

Because his friends were persistent and pressuring assholes, he found he couldn’t avoid them forever.  
So, Saturday evening a week later he sat in the booth across from Erwin.  
The atmosphere strained just enough so it was noticeable.  
He had decided, once he had gotten out of the shower that this evening, he would refrain from using an excuse, he’d play nice and casual and, before he’d have to watch Erwin stroll over to whomever he had picked for the night, he would find himself his own someone, proving to the others that their worry over his absence had been entirely unjustified. Maybe he’d have a mediocre fuck and keep himself from imagining all the ways Erwin touched his someone the way Levi wanted to be touched by him. 

This could work. 

Or so he had thought. 

Halfway through his second glass of scotch, he stopped glancing over at the bar and the dancefloor in hopes of finding the next best guy, and refocused his attention on the way Erwin looked at him. 

First, they could be – at best – described as shy glances out of tired eyes, holding Levi’s gaze. 

Careful. Patient. 

Just how Erwin was, only – sadder? 

With time it turned more straightforward, staring each other down, the loud beat of the music nothing but a muffled echo in Levi’s ears. 

A cold shudder ran down his back when he let his eyes wander to Erwin’s mouth. Slightly opened, the lips were puffed and Levi couldn’t possibly tear his eyes away. They looked so similar to that one night, the memories just flooded his mind. 

How they had felt, pressed to is neck, running over his pectorals down his abs, wrapped around his dick – the noises, wet and greedy, reverberating in Levi’s ears. 

The blood boiled in his arteries, making his cheeks flush at the memory. Levi tilted his head forward, only a little, in the beat of a second.  
All he would have to do was lean over the table, just for one moment, one touch. 

Erwin’s breath hitched. 

Levi’s eyes flashed up. 

He was dreaming again, but he swore that in the deep blue of Erwin’s eyes that same shine lingered. 

As if he’d been dunked in ice water, he averted his eyes and turned to look over at the others after having neglected them for the previous half hour. 

Moblit seemed like he had the hardest time trying to explain some biochemical experiment to Mike, looking over to Hange helplessly when Mike uttered, “What?” for the third time in a row. 

Maybe it was only his imagination getting cruel again, but Levi could swear he felt Erwin’s eyes still tracing over his face. 

Nana, who had one of Mike’s arms slung around her waist, flicked her eyes from Erwin to Levi and back, only raising one of her neatly trimmed brows when she caught Levi’s gaze. 

Next to Levi, Hange cracked their knuckles as they went to give Mike a thorough explanation of how the messenger RNA could be modified so that once the translation process would be started inside the cytoplasm of cells –  
Out of the corner of his eyes Levi saw how Erwin hunched over to Nana and Mike, grabbed their empty glasses before looking over to Levi, who downed the rest of his scotch, wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and handed the glass over to Erwin with a quick nod before turning back to Hange. 

‘Well done. Cold and collected.’ He congratulated himself. 

Once the blond had managed to meander halfway through the crowd, Levi allowed himself to turn back around and look at Erwin more carefully. 

He seemed exhausted, his shoulders slacken, his gait not as upright as usual for the former military commander as he stepped up to the busy counter. 

Something must’ve been causing him stress at work. 

Levi wished he could muster up the nerve to ask, then scolded himself for being such a jealous, inhibited dumbass that he couldn’t even speak to his best friend anymore.

However much he hated it, there was another surge of that uncomfortable feeling of anger and disappointment rising in his body like bile, an acidic burn in his throat when he saw how Erwin turned over to the look at the man who stepped up to him at the bar.  
Levi did not look away so he saw how Erwin seemed to politely decline what must’ve been an offer to dance, as the dude wavered off again, no hard feelings apparent in his stride towards someone else. 

Levi looked back over to Nana and Mike, who were still deep in conversation with Moblit, ashamed of the relief that flooded his nerves, calming the angry shudder that had gone down his back. 

Having his attention refocused, he noticed the short but harsh movement in Nana’s hips and the following flinch from Hange next to him. 

Like on command, Hange’s eyes went wide. They looked down at the long glass in their hands, then gulped down the remaining half of their disgusting pink cocktail in one sip, turned to Levi, pressed the glass into his hands and demanded, rather than asked, that he should go and get them another one of ‘those’. 

Uttering the request in such a speed, Levi didn’t even get the chance to tell them that they should fucking move their own legs before they went back to their conversation. 

Levi just rolled his eyes, maybe less annoyed at their obvious scheme than he would have liked, and got out of the booth, empty glass in hand. 

He knew without having to turn around that their, ‘oh, so interesting’ conversation was over the second he had stepped out of earshot. 

Erwin looked down once he leaned onto the bar next to him.

“Hange wants another one of ‘those’.” Levi said before Erwin would ask. 

Unlike Levi, Erwin actually turned around to look at their friends.  
They were staring at them, Levi guessed – correctly - from the way Erwin moved back around to look down at Levi with wide-opened eyes and a drawn out, “Right.” 

They were quiet for a moment, waiting as the two bartenders rushed around between guests.  
Erwin was so close, Levi could smell the faint scent of his aftershave, could feel the warmth of his body even through his light blue sweater. 

No, he did not feel the need to lean over, to feel the lines of Erwin’s body under his own.  
Not at all did it feel like his muscles were being torn apart standing so close and yet not touching at all. 

“Levi – “

‘There we go again’. Levi huffed out a breath, shoulders slouching. 

“Oh, cut it out. Geez, can we just talk?” 

All patience and carefulness were erased from Erwin’s face. He sounded annoyed and even more tired than he looked.  
‘So, he’s finally got enough of this?’ Levi had known that sooner or later this would have to have ended. They were never suited for one another, not in a relationship, nor in a friendship.  
Erwin was too kind, too generous. Levi knew those kind of people – good people – would never want to spend time with people like him. Because that meant they had to look at Levi’s failures, at his indecencies, at his behavior towards others. They would never understand. 

“Just let me apologize.” Erwin ran a hand through his hair and focused his eyes on Levi. “I’m sorry that I made you uncomfortable, okay? I hadn’t – I should have considered the possibility that you would end up not liking it, instead I was so focused on myself, on the possibility that I might not enjoy it that -”

“Stop it. Just stop.” 

Erwin did. 

Levi gave in. If he was so persistent on knowing, then he should. They were better off not being together either way.  
Let him know. 

“I did not hate it, okay?” Levi’s voice sharp, cutting right into Erwin’s confidence, judging from the way the other man flinched together.

‘Okay, let’s tone it down a notch,’ he thought. 

“It’s not like that.”

‘Just say it. Say the words and finish this. End it.’

“I’m gonna say this now, and I swear to God, don’t you even fucking dare assume that you were so great you broke my mind, okay? I’ve just never -” 

He needed a moment to collect himself, to swallow down the fur that had grown on his tongue within the last twenty seconds. 

“It’s never been like that. You were fucking close. I should have known you wouldn’t just let me do with you what I wanted and leave. No, you just -”

Erwin watched him. So, goddamn patient again. 

Levi hated him.  
Levi loved him. 

“You had to fucking hold me. Tell me how good it felt, as if you just couldn’t shut up. No, you had to let me know exactly how – what I did to you – it felt like you were tearing me apart -”

Something flashed in Erwin’s eyes at that, it took Levi a second to recognize it. 

“You should have told me that I hurt you. I would have never. I would have stopped – “, and that worry in his voice made Levi want to grab him and shake the mental deficiency out of him. As if anything Erwin had done to Levi’s body could ever hurt him more. 

His eyes were so wide, staring down at the smaller man. 

“Not like that. It wasn’t like that.” Levi’s voice dropped, the exhaustion evident.

“You didn’t hurt me. That’s about impossible with how -” Levi felt like throwing up just thinking about the word, “– tender you were. I didn’t… I thought it was just going to be a quick thing. I knew it would hurt me either way, but I thought if you just did it, got off and realized whether or not it was for you then that would be the end of it.”

His voice slowed down and he took a deep breath, the fur was gone from his mouth, replaced by that disgusting, acidic feeling of regret. He couldn’t stop now. 

“I thought you were going to tell me you didn’t like it and I’d just get over it. I thought a no from you could finally convince me to let that go – but you? You couldn’t just fuck me, right?” Levi hissed out, silent enough so the people around them wouldn’t hear him over the now quieter beat of the music. “That’s not what perfect Erwin Smith does, right? No, he embraces people, and kisses their neck, and tells them they’re the most beautiful thing on earth while doing that whole slow-motion thing. Jesus Christ. I didn’t know how – No one has ever done that.”

Levi hadn’t let them.

“I never wanted that, and then you come along and it’s so -”

Erwin looked as if he’d just witnessed someone being slaughtered. Levi stopped.  
If he hadn’t felt like it before, seeing that expression on Erwin’s face, Levi definitely felt like he was going to be sick. 

‘So, that’s what he truly thinks? What he feels?’ One voice in his head told him. From another corner of his mind something yelled at him that he should do some damage control. Now. 

“You don’t have to worry. Nothing of this is your fault. I shouldn’t have agreed to do it.”

“Levi -” Even now his voice was too soft. Erwin’s bushy brows pulled together. Sadness written all over his face. 

“Just – stop thinking about it.” 

Erwin huffed out a breath, like Levi had just told him the lamest joke he’d ever heard. 

Levi hurried into the crowd before Erwin could respond.

 

*

 

His wonderful, beautiful, creative mind forced him to repeat that fucking evening for the rest of the week.  
Every time he closed his eyes, lying in bed or on the couch, every time his mind didn’t occupy him with something else, every time the distractions faded into the background, Erwin was there. 

The memory of the compassion flooding out of the blue of his eyes heated up Levi’s skin to a point where he just wanted to tear it off of his flesh. 

Levi found out that, somehow, it was easier to admit the truth in the middle of the night.  
When one had tried to fall asleep for what could be minutes, or hours, tossing underneath the sheets until the cold sweat on one’s feet forced them to get up and walk it off. Then, and only then, it seemed like that mental barrier called denial was in maintenance and he could see the full extent of his own stupidity.

If he hadn’t asked for more, if he hadn’t wanted to provoke a change, maybe they could have remained on the friend-level. Forever denying that there were any underlying feelings on Levi’s side.

Then Levi would have suffered in silence for good. 

But for Erwin’s friendship? 

Experiencing what it was like to live without it, Levi knew he wanted to go back. He would’ve never complained, would’ve stayed on the rostrum forever, watching how Erwin had his sexual experiment with a stranger, found out that he was in fact bisexual, maybe watch him jump from a couple of one-night stands into relationships, short ones, long ones, until finally the one would come along who’d chain him down – male or female, or entirely genderless. Whomever the fuck, it sure as hell wouldn’t be Levi. That one he knew for sure. 

 

*

 

Erwin didn’t call. 

Erwin didn’t text. 

Levi didn’t exactly wait for it, but shameful enough for him, the following couple of days he still jumped – only a little – every time his phone buzzed. 

Kenny texted, telling him about the new truck he bought from the little money he’d actually managed to put aside over the last couple of months.

Nana had called twice during that night. Levi hadn’t picked the phone up, neither in the subway drive home, nor once he was in his apartment, lying on the couch with his heart still rushing in his chest.  
Then later and over the next few days a row of texts came flooding in about how she didn’t want to imply anything or rub her nose in an area that was simply none of her business, but had to tell him that Erwin seemed confused, and worried, and that she’d only wanted them to be fine and happy. 

The last one just a simple, “How are you?” to which Levi actually responded.  
He didn’t lie to her.

Mike only texted about a work-related project, which provided enough of a distraction for Levi. 

Hange texted, “moron”. 

A day later to tell him that he should pull his shit together. 

He didn’t respond. 

 

Knowing his friend well enough, he should have guessed that they’d take his silence as an invite to discuss the matter personally and appeared on his doorstep the next Friday evening, just yelling, “let me in. Let me in. Let me in” into the speakerphone until Levi pushed the buzzer. 

When Hange texted, “good luck” and an added, “sorry” about thirty seconds later, it was already too late. 

Levi had unlocked the door, opened it a crack and sat back down so that Hange could just slip in as soon as they’d walked up to his second-floor apartment. 

Once he realized what was actually going on, Erwin already stepped inside as Levi’s eyes jumped up to the door. 

Panic flickered over his face for a couple of moments, before he was able to grasp the situation and put the usual nonchalance on display. 

“What do you want?”

To anyone who didn’t know Levi, it would’ve probably sounded annoyed, or bored – anything but welcoming, but he knew that Erwin must’ve detected the slice of fear in his tone. 

“Talk.” His voice was solid, but there was some desperation in his eyes as well as the line of his thick brows. 

Unlike Levi, Erwin didn’t try to cover it up. 

“Haven’t we done that already?” Not nearly as cool as Levi had hoped it would sound, but at least he had managed to say anything with the way Erwin looked at him. 

Levi didn’t know what to do with his body. It screamed at him that he should get up, that he should walk away, put as much distance between himself and that giant before he’d get cornered on the couch. 

He didn’t move, but just sat there as Erwin closed the door behind himself without looking back, glanced around the room for a moment until his eyes found the half-finished bowl of rice on Levi’s couch table, getting the reaffirmation that he did not interrupt anything important, before he walked over to the couch. 

His manners seemed to get the better of him when he asked, “can I sit?” motioning to the spot next to Levi on the couch. 

Frozen on the spot, Levi just nodded. 

They sat together for a moment in silence. Not looking at each other, so that if Levi tried hard enough, he could just pretend it was one of their casual evenings, watching a film together while rambling about their days, arguing over directorial choices and maybe, once it would turn late, doze off, leaning on one another. 

Erwin kept shifting around though, rubbing his hands together as if he’d have a mark from a pen that couldn’t be erased, and Levi knew that whatever comfort and calming effect they used to have in their friendship was lost. 

“Get over it.” Erwin said, after a while. His voice quiet. 

“You said, the other night, if I wouldn’t have liked having sex with you, then you could get over ‘it’.”

Levi was silent. 

“What did you mean?”

Levi swallowed, eerily aware of Erwin watching him.  
His pulse raced, his heart too and there were chills running down his spine. Everything felt cold.  
Everything felt hot. But nothing felt right. 

“You know what I meant.” 

After another unbearably long silence, Levi glanced over. Erwin made the smallest, little nodding motion. 

“I think so.”

Levi glanced over to him once only to see that Erwin’s gaze was fixed to the ground.

“I’d like you to say it though.”

What. The. Hell.

 

*

 

“I ruined it. Our friendship. I should’ve never asked him. Now, he can’t even speak to me anymore.” 

Erwin took a sip from the coffee Hange had made for him. It burned his tongue.  
‘Good’, he thought. 

“I thought he had enjoyed it. It never occurred to me that maybe he would hate it so much that he could not even look me in the face after, let alone hear my voice.”  
Erwin huffed out a laugh, “that’s not even the worst of it.”

“What is?” Hange asked when Erwin didn’t continue. 

“It’s never the same. And I can’t stop looking for it.”

Hange raised one brow behind their thick, square glasses, giving Erwin a scrutinizing look.

“What I did with the other guys since that time with Levi – it’s never the same. I mean, I get it, everyone’s different and they like different things, but it feels like, up to this point all the other times have just been…disappointing? And not even because it was bad sex or anything, it wasn’t at all, it just wasn’t the same?  
It didn’t feel the same?” He corrected himself. 

Hange just listened. 

“I thought I had that whole sexuality-thing figured out? I liked it with Levi that night, I mean, it was - incredible, but ever since then?” He shrugged.  
“I guess it’s just like that? No matter with whom you have sex with, there’s that one time that’s always somewhere in your head and you’re forced to compare that to everyone else. Guess that’s on me for thinking it would always be like that -”

Hange looked at Erwin like he was both the dumbest and at the same time most interesting creature they had ever seen. 

Erwin stopped.

“Oh, please go on.”

“No, just say… what do you think?”

“I think you’re moronic. It’s fascinating.” They seemed all too excited at the discovery. Thirteen years of knowing Hange, Erwin was aware that the insult itself wasn’t as much of an insult as genuine amazement, which meant he must’ve sounded seriously stupid. 

Hange leaned back on their chair and rested their head on their hand. Erwin didn’t respond, he knew they would elaborate soon enough.

“I can’t figure it out. Do you actually fail to see the truth, or is this whole obliviousness-thing just caused by a mental barrier that’s supposed to protect you from a truth you aren’t yet ready to acknowledge?”

A moment of silence.

“Have you thought about the possibility that the experience you had with the little psycho might have been more memorable, more pleasurable -” their voice lowered, dragging the syllables of the last word out, “- because the connection you two have simply outweighs the general, ‘one-time—utterly-meaningless-fuck-with-a-friend’ thing?”

“Obviously.” Erwin interrupted. “I knew that from the beginning, he’s one of my best friends - “

Hange exhaled loudly.

“Let me rephrase.” They took a breath. “Why did you ask Levi? You’re not unattractive, you would’ve found someone who would’ve been very willing to ‘help you out’ without having to ruin a friendship.”

“Because I trust him. Always have. He’s honest, he would’ve called me out on any bullshit. He’s a good person, he’s attractive, he’s -”

“So, you picked him because you’re attracted to him?”

Erwin paused.

“Well. Obviously? I mean, I don’t think I would’ve wanted to sleep with someone to whom I’m not attracted to?” He pulled his eyebrows together. 

“God, Erwin. How can you be this dense?” Hange muttered. 

“Be honest. When exactly did you start to doubt if you were straight?”

Erwin looked down, his face pulled into a frown.

‘Catching on, pretty boy?’, Hange thought.

“I’m just saying, maybe the reason for why you haven’t been able to enjoy it with anyone else is, because in truth, you don’t want anyone else.”

 

*

 

When Levi had agreed to be Erwin Smith’s sexual experiment, he did not think it would end like this. 

He never anticipated that when he’d confess, after years of not only denying, but ignoring and suppressing his feelings, Erwin would apologize.  
Apologize for not noticing, for not understanding sooner, for being and behaving like an idiot. For hurting Levi’s feelings. 

He never thought that once he told Erwin the truth about the thoughts he had since their time together in a warzone somewhere in a desert, Erwin would turn over, eyebrows drawn together in contrition, slide closer to Levi over the couch and hold Levi’s face in his hands.  
That Erwin would rub his fingertips gently over Levi’s sharp cheekbones, who just gaped up at him. 

He never thought that Erwin, once he pulled back to look in Levi’s eyes, would tell Levi about how he was sorry for not realizing that it had been him, who had made him question everything, in the first place. 

How it was Levi who he had wanted, who he still wanted, and that there was no one else. 

How he had tried, but nothing ever came close – Levi interrupted him, a few seconds later – his brain needing time to reboot itself after failing entirely throughout Erwin’s monologue. 

He rolled his eyes at Erwin.  
“That’s not something I want to hear about. I’ve been picturing that often enough in the past couple of weeks.” 

“No – you didn’t? Levi, tell me you didn’t?” Erwin looked appalled. Pitiful even, like his heart had just been shattered. 

‘What did you think?’ Levi thought, annoyed by the blonds shocked expression. 

“Why did you think I had to avoid the nights out? Did you think it was fun for me to watch you fumble around with whomever you had picked out for the night? You having someone else’s tongue stuck in your mouth while I watch from the booth, fucking Hange looking at me like a vet who has to tell a kid that their puppy wouldn’t make it? Yeah, right. That was fun.” 

Erwin did flinch at that. The corners of his mouth pulled downwards. He didn’t let Levi go, however. For all it mattered, he wrapped his arms around the smaller man’s waist, holding him tighter. 

“I’m sorry.”

Levi could go on, could tell Erwin about every single one of the nights he had spent lying in his bed, wondering how he could get himself out of this mess while ignoring the stinging in his eyes.  
But this was as much on his side as it was on Erwin’s – and he’d also spent enough time thinking about this bullshit, so he let it go. At least for a little while. 

Levi wrapped his hands around Erwin’s neck, not thinking about the gesture, just holding on. Erwin slipped closer still, his hands rubbing over Levi’s spine. He tilted his head so that he could lean his forehead onto Levi’s. 

For the first time in years, it seemed like all the words that needed to be said between them were actually spoken. 

They didn’t clear out everything, obviously, and Levi didn’t yet forgive Erwin, nor himself.  
But, for the moment, it was enough to allow himself to be held like that. Enveloped in the warmth of Erwin’s body. 

After staying like that for a while, just rubbing their foreheads together, breathing the same air, Levi huffed out a laugh. 

“Hange will be so happy we’ve finally dealt with this shit.” 

They laughed. 

“I know, right. The others too.” 

Erwin grasped Levi’s neck and kissed him. 

Deep, but not desperate. Warm, but not burning. Close, as if he was coming home.  
Three years too late. 

 

*

 

“God, Erwin. Don’t you dare fucking tell me you’ve done this to someone else. Don’t you – I swear to God, if you did this to one of those scrawny, little -”

“I haven’t.” Erwin leaned up on his elbows and let out something akin to a laugh. Only more breathless.

Levi exhaled, relief flooding through his tensed shoulders. 

“I promise. You’re the only one – the only one I’d do this for.”

Levi whined. Again. But he still tilted his head to the side so he could see Erwin’s face over his shoulder.  
A deep redness was coloring Erwin’s cheeks, running down his neck and collar. It reminded Levi so much of the way he had looked, arms spread wide open, lying on his bed after that first night that Levi’s chest clenched together.  
He hadn’t thought he’d ever get to see this expression again.  
Erwin caught Levi’s gaze with his own shimmering eyes. A darkness was cast over the light blue, like a veil that was cast over a secret. 

Levi turned his head back into his pillow and dug his nails deep into the soft fabric.  
He knew he’d tear it. He wanted it. It would look like the pillow that Erwin slept on. 

“I know.” Erwin whispered. 

“God, I know.” He rubbed his hands over Levi’s spread thigs, between which he kneeled, up over his back while he crawled up over Levi’s body, kissing his spine where the vertebrae bones stood out until he reached his neck, softly swiping Levi’s hair back so Erwin could kiss the side of his face.  
His broad arms wrapped around Levi’s sides to hold onto his shoulders for a moment, before he lifted himself up again. 

“Turn around.”  
His voice hoarse and raspy. 

“I want to see your face.” Levi wouldn’t argue. On any other day he would have analyzed how he was still, after years, unable to disobey any order from his commander.  
But like this? With Erwin grasping him by his hips and shifting him into his lap once he turned around, he didn’t give a shit. 

They kissed, less fevered than when they’d first gotten off the couch, leaning on each other as they made their way into Levi’s bedroom, but warm, tender, Erwin’s tongue swiping over Levi’s lips while his left hand drifted into the longer dark brown hair to grasp and tilt Levi’s head so he could deepen the kiss.  
They broke apart gasping for air, still staying close, their foreheads touching again. 

“I’m sorry I never saw – I’m sorry it took me this long -”

“Shut up.” Levi all but spat out. Erwin had apologized enough for one night. 

Erwin sat back a bit to look at Levi directly, who, in turn moved closer by draping his legs around Erwin’s hips. 

“Later.” Levi’s own voice hollowed out. “Later okay?” 

Erwin rubbed the pad of his thumb underneath the other man’s eye, a protest waiting on his lips. 

“We’ll talk later.”

Levi let his hand drift down, wrapped his fingers around Erwin, rubbing his thumb over the tip and Erwin seemed to agree with a silent moan, only responding by slipping his hands back around Levi’s waist, drawing him in closer so their chests were pressed together.

The air grew heavier around them, sweat building on their bodies as Erwin let his fingertips run over Levi’s back, his arms - wherever he could reach without letting go. 

Levi rubbed both of them together in his small hand. His chest sliding against Erwin’s, his other hand grasping at Erwin’s neck, gliding through his sweaty hair, moving Erwin’s face down so he could kiss him again, moaning into the other man’s mouth. 

If he had had the capacity to think about it then, about what they were doing, about how long he had wanted this, desired this, he knew his heart would’ve ripped. 

Erwin broke away from the kiss first, gasping for air as he was gliding his hands through the slight wetness on Levi’s back, up over his neck into his hair, moving his head to the side gently so he could rest his head in the space between Levi’s neck and shoulder.  
Levi mimicked him and pressed his face to Erwin's collarbone, breathing in the musky scent that was so familiar, so Erwin, he just wanted to be closer, needed to have Erwin everywhere around him, to make him a part of his body.  
Like a missing bone, he needed him back inside. 

“Come on. Come on, please -” Levi mumbled out, lifting his other hand away from their dicks so he could let himself drop onto the mattress, pulling the groaning Erwin on top of him. 

“Oh God -” Erwin huffed out as he detangled his arms from Levi’s hair, grasping at his shoulders to move them back up so that Levi could reach the upper drawer of his bedside table without having to roll out of the embrace. 

“May I?” Erwin asked once Levi fished the bottle of lube out of the drawer and laid it on the bed.

“Please?"

Levi contemplated for a second, eyeing first the bottle then Erwin’s broad fingers on his shoulders. 

He was horny, not stupid. 

“Maybe once I’ve started.” 

Erwin nodded then kissed a line from Levi’s chest up over his neck and jaw, who stretched his arm into the drawer once more to fish out a condom. 

Erwin didn’t stop kissing Levi while he opened himself up, but only shifted to the side so that Levi was a little more flexible in his movements. When Levi reached a point where stretching two fingers inside didn’t sting as much anymore, he turned his face to place a soft kiss on Erwin’s temple. 

“Go on.”

Erwin slicked his fingers up with lube while just staring at Levi, a small smirk on his face. The view alone heated Levi’s insides up so much, he knew the blush on his cheeks must’ve turned a bright scarlet from it. 

Erwin was slow and careful as he slipped first one of his long fingers into Levi, who started to moan obscenely just from knowing that it was Erwin who did this, then two and once he started to move them around, massaging Levi’s insides, finding his prostate, Levi clenched so hard around Erwin’s fingers he almost came. 

“Stop, Stop, Fuck. Stop it, Erwin. Jesus Christ -” he huffed out, catching Erwin’s wrist in his hand to actually stop the bastard who just wouldn’t listen. 

Levi thought he knew what kind of smug look would be on Erwin’s face once he pulled his hand out and looked up, but the expression on the other man’s face was nothing but unfamiliar. The irises so dark, only a rim of the blue Levi loved so much still visible, and there was a wild glimmer resting in the pupils. 

In the blink of a second, Erwin’s mouth was on Levi’s, tongue slipping inside, biting his lips, all wet and desperate. Levi moaned, but Erwin didn’t pull away, just angled his head to press even closer. Somewhere, in some other Universe, Levi could hear the faint noise of foil being ripped, could feel the motion in Erwin’s body as he stripped the condom on. He couldn’t open his eyes. 

And then Erwin was there. Around him. Inside him. Everywhere. 

They clung to each other’s bodies, skin rubbing at skin, sweat and scent and heat mingling together as they cried, and moaned, and breathed into each other’s mouths, not daring to move away for even a second. 

This was everything, Levi knew. You belong here. 

The heat inside burned everything else away. He had no thoughts, no control over his body left, he could only feel in passiveness. Feel the tears building in his eyes, accumulating before rolling down over his cheeks, breaking away from Erwin’s lips, gasping for air, not opening his eyes as Erwin started to trace his lips over the tear trails, over his lids, breathing in heavily before touching his temple to Levi’s, waiting for the other man to catch his breath. 

You belong here. 

Levi came, sometime later, with Erwin buried inside him to the hilt, his prostate overstimulated and the rest of his body wrecked. All he could do was hold on. Hold on and hope it would never end. 

Erwin did not leave him. Did not move himself out of Levi’s arms after pulling out of him and putting the condom in a tissue on the floor next to the bed. 

The warmth stayed, wrapped around Levi’s smaller body until he had regained enough consciousness to turn around in Erwin’s arms, to look at him, really.  
He wished he had kept his eyes open.  
He knew it would’ve killed him. 

Erwin’s eyes were halfway open, clear blue shining through, lighting up the room. A soft but exhausted smile on his red, rough-looking lips. Levi settled into the crook of Erwin’s arms, close enough that he could count the fine blond lashes, far enough that they could still breathe. Erwin’s arm rested on Levi’s side, as his breathing evened out and his chest stopped heaving so roughly. His heart slowed down, Levi noticed when he rubbed his hands over Erwin’s chest, small hairs tickling his palms and fingertips. 

Levi didn’t even care that their stomachs and chests were sticky with sweat and come, didn’t care that the sheets were ruined, that their bodies were dirty, that everything was dirty. They were clean. 

 

“This is it.” Erwin mumbled, his voice flooded with satisfaction and relief. 

His eyes closed and within moments the smile slipped off from his lips as he drifted off to sleep.

 

“Dumbass.” 

Levi laughed at himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I forgot everything I said in the last chapter about toning it down on the smut -ops?
> 
> I hope you had at least half as much fun reading it as I had writing it. Thank you<3


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